I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
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