Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
