Someone shit on the floor
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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