just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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