An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
