Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
