I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
