Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
