that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
