I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
