Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
