He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
