I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Is it penis luge time yet?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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