I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
