I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
