My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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