I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
