If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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