Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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