I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
