My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
soo... how was my night?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
