I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
