My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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