why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
