he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
