Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
