We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
