how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
