Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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