I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
