Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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