I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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