3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
