my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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