whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
