somebody snuck up and got me drunk
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
