He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
How's work?
Spinning.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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