i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
