I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
