dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
