it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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