FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
