Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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