I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
