I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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