On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
worst night to have a conscience
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
