I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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