so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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