God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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