Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
