this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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